Better Know A Classmate: Matt L

Our latest installment of Better Know a Classmate explores the mind of Matt L. (Having trouble remembering that last name? Here's a hint: it rhymes with "toots"!) If the Class of 1997 is The Beatles, Matt would be our George -- a quiet, introspective lead guitarist/sitarist. Who would later enjoy a moderately successful solo career. And die a few years back. Smoking kills.

Matt answered these questions during a bout of insomnia. I asked a few follow-up questions, but I haven't heard from him for many days now. Just like George Harrison.

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Hi Matt. You're the first nonmarried individual that I've interviewed. What are your feelings on marriage? Why aren't you married?

Well, to be quite honest, I find it rather antiquated. Plus, the statistics for a successful marriage are about fifty percent. Add to that the fact that I am extremely moody and it falls to about thirty. I also haven’t found anyone to put up with my shit. And Natalie Portman has not replied to any of my emails or marriage proposals.

You have lobbied for the class reunion to be "invitation only". Do you have any other suggestions for the event?

We should invite Natalie Portman.

Welcome at the reunion: spouses, Natalie Portman

You've been doing some traveling in the past few years. For example, you went to China, and wrote an email to us back home:

I have been in Shanghai for about two days now. There is a new Australian girl in my room. Not sure about her yet, she was sleeping. An old lady yelled at me when I came into the room at 7:30 PM and turned on the light. I guess I didn't think anyone who would pay a shitload of money to come to China would go to bed at fucking 7:30. But then again, she is old.

What has been the highlight of your travels? The low point?

The Great Wall was a highlight. I really enjoyed Budapest. The low point would have to be a young boy in Mongolia crawling out of a sewer and asking me for money. How do you say “no” to that?

The Great Wall of China: more enjoyable than sewer kids

Please describe an average workday in horrifically mundane detail.

Okay. I get to work. I shoot something. It is loud. I shoot it again. It is still loud. I answer a phone call. I type data into a computer. I print the report. That is followed by about 8-10 more hours of the same thing, over and over and over.

What have you been reading?

I just finished You Shall Know Our Velocity which you bought me. I love you. Now I am reading The Quiet American by Graham Greene.

What is your favorite word?

Aardvark

What is your least favorite word?

Evidently

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

Creatively: a good book, pain.
Spiritually: Nothing.
Emotionally: A girl with glasses, you and The Shins.

What turns you off?

Meat with the bone on it, Oprah and beached whales covered in cats.

What is your favorite curse word?

FUCK!!! Hands down. Or any variation of the work “fuck”. Examples: Motherfucker (obviously), fuckface, assfuck etc.

What sound or noise do you love?

You, at the height of passion.

What sound or noise do you hate?

Gunshots.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Hmmm. Helicopter pilot.

What profession would you not like to do?

Mortician

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

"What’s up, bitch?"

What was your favorite class at BC?

Morality.

Is there anything you would have done differently in your time at BC?

YES!! I would never have gone to confession if I had known what was going to happen. You know the story.