Better Know A Classmate: Nathan V

Bored and snowed-in last Saturday night, I called Nathan. We talked for a good while, and shared some laughs. I asked if he wanted to do an interview. He declined, but said I could interview his dog, Frog.


I spent this week thinking about how I would interview Frog the dog. I constructed a rudimentary dog dialect for Frog by inserting canine-related onomatopoeia into the Queen's English. A typical interchange:

Frog, tell me what your master is up to these days.

Woof Nathan has been bark working more arf in the past few weeks growl since he completed ruff ruff grad school bark.

You have a hole in your skull. Tell me how that happened.

Arf it's a pretty funny story bark. I was bark bark barking at a bigger dog, howl and I thought I was safely out of his whimper range, bark because he was chained to a post grrrrr, right? I miscalculated, though, and woof he was able to reach me. Woof so all of the sudden he chomps down on arf arf my head, and I get kind of messed up howl. Boy, that hurt. But I'm okay now, ruff ruff ruff.

Then I decided that my dog interview was awful. Just terrible.

Still, I wanted to give some information about Nathan, as people ask me about him a lot. A LOT. It's kind of sickening, actually. "What's Nathan doing?" "How's Nathan?" "Nathan is so sweet and great!" "Nathan could have ended the war without the H-bomb!" "Once I saw Nathan having sex with my wife -- it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen!" On and on and on.

So, to curb this appetite, I offer the following facts...


The last CD he bought was probably in 1996. The Gin Blossoms.


He went to school in Fairbanks for several years. He graduated.


Despite the overwhelming odds against him, most notably the male-to-female ratio in Alaska and his face, he found a lady.


He lived in St. Petersburg for a while, for some reason.


He married the aforementioned lady, and adopted her aforementioned dog.


They honeymooned in Madagascar for months. They would not recommend such a trip to other newlyweds, especially if said newlyweds wish for a stress-free beginning to their lives together.

They moved to California.

They live in a million-dollar house.


But they rent it.


His pilot's license has expired.


He surfs, and occasionally saves other surfers from drowning.


He recently obtained a Master's degree, and has applied for a few positions or grants or fellowships or some such nonsense.


He bought his wife a hand-crafted, ceramic mug for Valentine's Day 2006.

His waffle-maker cooks heart-shaped waffles.

He is the only person I know who uses VOIP for his telephone service.


He sometimes puts cabbage on his sandwiches in place of lettuce.


He's going to be one of the people who has to explain his job with a paragraph instead of a sentence. Because you'll ask, and he'll reply, "International Conflict Resolution", and you'll stare blankly, and he'll sigh, and then begin to go into detail, and your eyes will glaze over, and you'll feel bad, because he's a friend, and you asked, after all, and you'll pledge to pay more attention, to no avail, and you'll decide to tell other people that he's "kind of like a diplomat", even though if he heard you say it, part of his soul would dissolve from discouragement.


He had successful laser surgery on his eyeballs.

He can pop a wheelie on his scooter; he fills its gas tank with airplane fuel.

The last time I saw him, he purchased a tiny, remote-controlled helicopter and flew it around our hotel room.


He is sweet and great.


He has assured me he will not come to the reunion.

Better Know A Classmate: Matt L

Our latest installment of Better Know a Classmate explores the mind of Matt L. (Having trouble remembering that last name? Here's a hint: it rhymes with "toots"!) If the Class of 1997 is The Beatles, Matt would be our George -- a quiet, introspective lead guitarist/sitarist. Who would later enjoy a moderately successful solo career. And die a few years back. Smoking kills.

Matt answered these questions during a bout of insomnia. I asked a few follow-up questions, but I haven't heard from him for many days now. Just like George Harrison.

* * * *

Hi Matt. You're the first nonmarried individual that I've interviewed. What are your feelings on marriage? Why aren't you married?

Well, to be quite honest, I find it rather antiquated. Plus, the statistics for a successful marriage are about fifty percent. Add to that the fact that I am extremely moody and it falls to about thirty. I also haven’t found anyone to put up with my shit. And Natalie Portman has not replied to any of my emails or marriage proposals.

You have lobbied for the class reunion to be "invitation only". Do you have any other suggestions for the event?

We should invite Natalie Portman.

Welcome at the reunion: spouses, Natalie Portman

You've been doing some traveling in the past few years. For example, you went to China, and wrote an email to us back home:

I have been in Shanghai for about two days now. There is a new Australian girl in my room. Not sure about her yet, she was sleeping. An old lady yelled at me when I came into the room at 7:30 PM and turned on the light. I guess I didn't think anyone who would pay a shitload of money to come to China would go to bed at fucking 7:30. But then again, she is old.

What has been the highlight of your travels? The low point?

The Great Wall was a highlight. I really enjoyed Budapest. The low point would have to be a young boy in Mongolia crawling out of a sewer and asking me for money. How do you say “no” to that?

The Great Wall of China: more enjoyable than sewer kids

Please describe an average workday in horrifically mundane detail.

Okay. I get to work. I shoot something. It is loud. I shoot it again. It is still loud. I answer a phone call. I type data into a computer. I print the report. That is followed by about 8-10 more hours of the same thing, over and over and over.

What have you been reading?

I just finished You Shall Know Our Velocity which you bought me. I love you. Now I am reading The Quiet American by Graham Greene.

What is your favorite word?

Aardvark

What is your least favorite word?

Evidently

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

Creatively: a good book, pain.
Spiritually: Nothing.
Emotionally: A girl with glasses, you and The Shins.

What turns you off?

Meat with the bone on it, Oprah and beached whales covered in cats.

What is your favorite curse word?

FUCK!!! Hands down. Or any variation of the work “fuck”. Examples: Motherfucker (obviously), fuckface, assfuck etc.

What sound or noise do you love?

You, at the height of passion.

What sound or noise do you hate?

Gunshots.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Hmmm. Helicopter pilot.

What profession would you not like to do?

Mortician

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

"What’s up, bitch?"

What was your favorite class at BC?

Morality.

Is there anything you would have done differently in your time at BC?

YES!! I would never have gone to confession if I had known what was going to happen. You know the story.

Better Know A Classmate: Stephanie N

I'm sure everyone is busy marking this National Day of Mourning with personal tributes to the late Gerald Ford -- reading his biography, remarking on his legacy, lighting candles for him, etc. -- but just in case you're looking to read material on someone other than the former Wolverine football great, here's another interview.

* * * *

Please describe an average workday in horrifically mundane detail.

I’m up by 6AM to get hubby out the door. By 6:30AM I’m ready for work. By 7AM all the kids’ eyes are open, but none of them are out of bed, yet. Rebecca (8) and Robert (6) get themselves dressed, hair combed, teeth brushed, etc. Jillian (4) needs help with socks and hair combed. Jesse (2) has help with everything. By 8AM, we’re all out the door. I take Jesse to daycare and the 3 older kids to Grandma’s. I head to work by 8:30AM. For the last month, I’ve been temping for a Retirement Service company. I do outbound calls to get the older generation’s medication lists to run comparisons from Medicare’s website to see if there are other Prescription Drug Plans that are better for the customer. I also log the customers information into databases. When I’m done with work (between 5 and 6PM), I usually head home to cook dinner, do laundry and dishes and get kids ready for bed.

How did you meet your husband?

We actually met in an AOL chat room! I don’t remember the exact topic, but he and I had the same smartass answers to things. We started IMing each other and hit it off. He was in the Sheriff’s Reserves at the time, and the day we met in person (September 3, 1999), he was in uniform. We only talked for a few minutes because he had to get to work, but when he left, I called my best friend (Melissa Lowery) and told her something special was going to happen with this guy. Little did I know, he was making the same phone call to his best friend, telling him the same thing. We dated for 9 days, and he proposed. We got married January 22, 2000. :)

Now, you all can do math and will notice that Becca is older than our marriage. She is from a previous relationship. Thomas adopted her on St Patricks Day, 2004.

One might argue that 9 days isn't long enough to determine if your new man is married, much less marriage material. Was there one thing -- an act, a sentence, anything -- that made you think, "Okay, this is my guy."? Was the St. Patrick's Day adoption a coincidence, or did you purposely plan the adoption for that day?

Several people did argue, but we just knew in our hearts we were meant to be. We just clicked.

We didn't choose St Patrick's Day. That's just how it fell on the judge's calendar.

St. Patrick's Day: Uniting families since 1903

You have 4 children - which child is your favorite?

I don’t have a favorite. All of my kiddos are unique and special in their own way, and I love them for it! Becca is my first, so we share a lot of things that the other kids and I don’t. We have the same demeanor sometimes and share the love of reading. She is in 3rd grade, but is reading on a 7th grade level. She is VERY smart and is at the top of her class academically, even though she is the next-to-youngest child in her class. She is authoritative and expects perfection from herself. She is a great kiddo! She was named after the song “Rebecca Lynn” by Bryan White.

Rob was my first child with my husband. He was very different from Becca. Where Becca was talking at 10 months, he didn’t speak his first word until after his 1st birthday. He’s a great little guy! He loves sports – especially soccer. He loves cars. His favorite right now is Mustangs (new body style). He wants to be an “Army guy” like his Uncle Michael and drive tanks. He loves anything Army – clothes, hats, toys, etc. Rob got his name from my father-in-law (Robert) and my husband (Thomas). He should’ve been named Tommy Jr!

Jill shares my birthday. We are 23 years and 18 minutes apart. We were both born by caesarean. She has curly hair like mine, except hers is blonde like her daddy’s. She loves Dora the Explorer and Barbie. Her favorite color is pink and she hates taking naps! She was named after all 4 aunts. Thomas has 2 sisters with, ironically, the same middle name – Renee. I have 2 sisters. Their middle names are Jill and Elizabeth. Our original plan was to name her Jillian Elizabeth Renee Koch. However, her initials would’ve been JERK and I wasn’t doing that to my baby girl! So, she was born Jillian Renee Elizabeth.

Jesse just turned 2 on December 2nd and is cute as cute can be!! He has naturally curly hair, too, but he just got his first professional haircut, and all the curls are gone. L However, when his hair starts growing, the curls will come back. Jesse got a rocking horse for Christmas. He absolutely adores his horse and will scream at anyone who tries to touch it! He likes Legos and cars and is a “me, too” kid. Anything the other kids do, he wants to do it to!

We also have 2 fur-babies. They are kittens and are Hammie & Zoey (Baby Blues comic strip). They are orange, long-fur tabbies.

What do Fraternal Orders of Eagles do?

The FOE is a non-profit organization and our motto is “People Helping People.” I’m Vice President of our Auxilliary #3251. We raise money for our selected charities by having bake sales, dinner and dances and other activities. If anyone went to the Veteran’s Day Parade, we were in the Parade this year. It’s a great organization to be a part of! I’ve met some wonderful people.

What's the deal with the cast of "The Real World: Denver"? I mean, who names their kid "Colie"?

I don’t have cable, so I don’t know what the deal is. I would love to live in Denver though, and I’ll make sure the next baby born in the family is named Colie.

The Real World: Denver -- quality cable programming.

Is George Clooney truly the world's sexiest man? And who is the world's sexiest woman?

Not in my book. I would have to say it’s a tie between James Caviezel (Frequency, Passion of the Christ) and Tyrese Gibson (Annapolis). James has the greatest eyes! They just suck you in! Tyrese has a ripped body. Can’t go wrong there! Sexiest woman – I don’t know. Halle Berry maybe?

If you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself? (I would. I'd dip myself in spicy brown mustard.)

As long as I was smothered in onions and yellow mustard.

If you could fight anyone, alive or dead, who would you fight? (Note: you would be fighting a re-animated dead person, not the corpse of a dead person.)

Dammit. I wanted the corpse. LOL. I’m not sure I could pick just one person, and I’m not sure if I want to bring up my political views on this blog. I would probably say my ex. He was a real asshole.

What is your favorite word?

Mama – especially hearing it for the first time out of my babies’ mouths.

What is your least favorite word?

[Note: Stephanie's least favorite word makes many people -- especially those of the fairer sex -- angry and/or disgusted. You can probably guess what the word is, but if you'd like to be sure we're on the same page here, highlight the space below to reveal her selection.]



Cunt.



What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

Seeing people overcoming obstacles in their life.

What turns you off?

People who expect a handout or who think that this country owes them something.

What is your favorite curse word?

Fuck. It can mean so many things, and some are quite great!

What sound or noise do you love?

My children’s laughter.

That response has been banned (see Pat's interview). Try again.

A zipper.

What sound or noise do you hate?

Someone vomiting.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

I always wanted to be a lawyer.

What profession would you not like to do?

One Man Marching Band

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

You did a good job. Welcome Home.

What have you been reading?

Nicholas Sparks. He’s a wonderful author! I’m waiting on “Dear John” to come out in paperback. I also like reading autobiographies.

What was your favorite class at BC?

Probably study hall.

Is there anything you would have done differently in your time at BC?

Studied harder. Loosened up a little. (Alcohol IS my friend!)