Better Know A Classmate: Robert

Robert is the latest classmate to subject himself to the interview process. You might remember him from his standout role as would-be rapist Judd in the spring musical "Oklahoma!". Or, you know, from walking around the halls and attending classes and whatnot. He was the one with the glasses.

I can't really think of a pun, so let's begin:

Prior to the interview, you sent me a photo of our performance in "The Night of January 16th", a courtroom play in which you played the prosecuting attorney, and I played the defense attorney. My first impression - I'm blown away by the good work of our Tech Theatre crew. You really feel like you're in a real New York courtroom. Also, I believe this photo marks the last time I wore a suit. What are your thoughts?


I'd say that play was still in the first acts of a lifelong love affair with suits. I don't care if it's a funeral, a wedding, trial or play, I do love me some suits. Never been in a real New York courtroom though, so I'll take your word for it.

That play was unique in that a jury was assembled from the audience, and they were asked to rule "guilty" or "not guilty" at the end of the play, based on the facts the actors presented. As you will recall, my defense team lost every single night. To what do you attribute your courtroom dominance?

I was a populist. I knew how to talk to the workaday Kansan and make them dance just how I liked. I have since lost that ability, however.

Also, I believe my mom was in the jury one night, but if I recollect accurately, she voted for you. Unlike the rest of the juries, she based her ruling on the facts, rather than how likeable the attorneys were. Even still, I think she did have something of a maternal feeling for you, Dan. Not everyone knows about the red door church.

Please describe an average workday in horrifically mundane detail.

Pass.

In your youth, you and a friend were obsessed with building a Hoverboard, a levitating device popularized in the classic sequel "Back to the Future, Part II". Have you made any progress?

Well, actually, that wasn't my friend; it was my older brother. For our entire lives, he's been using me as a tool monkey for lunatic projects that ultimately come to little. Unfortunately, so did this one. To make a long story short, despite all our efforts at making the six-foot plywood disk, sewing the shower curtain to make the necessary skirt (for the hovercraft, not me - that's another story), we were stymied by a woefully inadequate vacuum cleaner motor. On the upside, I'm pretty sure all that shit is still sitting in my parents garage, just waiting for me to get a better vacuum cleaner motor.

Then we'll see what's what.

I gather that you are married. What's that all about?

It's good to be married. Tells the boss that you're reliable, that at least one person can put up with you. Tells the girls that you've got some money and that your equipment works.

Oh - and she's my dream girl.

I remember listening to some Nine Inch Nails with you back in the day. I also seem to recall you kneeing someone in the chest while in the midst of a Kansas Coliseum mosh pit. In your opinion, what was the defining album of your high school years? Do you still listen to that album?

Pearl Jam: Ten. Every album they have released since then has sucked to a greater degree , but that one's pure gold. What can better encapsulate angst than Eddie Vedder screaming nearly incoherently. I don't listen to that album regularly anymore, but it comes out when I need it. When I start taking myself too seriously, or some circumstance is beating on me and won't let up, there's nothing better in life than to turn on the radio and hear one of those songs that I listened to on a nearly daily basis when I was 17 and haven't since; without any other baggage attached to it, all it takes is one song to pare things back to getting out on a half day and driving to Bionic Burger to piss away the rest of the afternoon with my friends because we had nothing else to do. Good times.

What sound or noise do you love?

Roar of the ocean. It's implacable and everything else has to just shut up for it.

What is your favorite word?

Diaspora.

What is your favorite curse word?

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuckity-ding-dong-crap. I actually wrote a short story and submitted it to Newman University's literary magazine, entirely for the purpose of publishing the term "Fuckity-ding-dong-crap." Won second place in their annual contest.

What have you been reading?

Books. Why? What have you been reading?

I've also been reading books. Books and short stories. What was your favorite class at BC? Why?

Junior English. I got to beat up on people in front of a Jury again. I think it was Nathan V., although if I'd have known he'd get some tropical disease ten years down the road, I'd have gone easier on him.

Is there anything you would have done differently in your time at BC?

Published more papers.

Forgiveness Please

I haven't posted anything lately. Sorry. There are some interviews floating around, waiting to be answered - once they get back to me, the fun will begin anew.

Take this time to talk about whatever you'd like to discuss in the comments. I think we've exhausted the topic of the City of Elkhart, but while we wait for a new post, please feel free to chat. Whatever you like. Anything.

For example, I'm going to take this chance to briefly respond to one of last week's comments, which stated that my post about spouses "did not seem like a joke so much as an editorial".

The thing is, though, is that it was a joke.

Sometimes, I try to write entertaining things, lest things get dull, and people end up debating the City of Elkhart, and people don't bother checking the website anymore (except to learn about Elkhart's diverse history), and they don't stay informed about the reunion, and the big day comes, and it's a flop... all because I didn't make a joke about divorce or pornography.

Now - happy commenting!

Invites After All

As you may have noticed, the United States Postal Service is delivering invitations to the Class of '97.

"But wait," you say, "didn't you just tell us that 'no invitations will be mailed'? What is the meaning of this reversal? Are you retarded or something?"

"Indeed, slightly," I reply. "It doesn't show in most cases, but my handicap is evident in certain circumstances, such as standardized tests and mass mailings."

"Oh. God. Sorry. I didn't know."

"Yeah. Well. It happens."

"Yeah. I guess."

"Yeah. Yeah."

"Huh."

"Meh."

"Hrumph."

(*cough*)

(*crickets chirping*)

(*game of cricket being played*)

(*play about crickets being written*)

(end scene)


Thanks to Michelle for getting the discount invites and seeing after the mailing. Thanks to Millie for additional input.

Better Know A Classmate: Pat

It's time for a chat with all-around good guy Pat, the only man I know who has had a little brother afflicted with gout. From radioactivity to kitchen appliances, this interview covers it all.

We've got it down Pat!

* * *

What brings you to New York, Pat?

I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there, I’ll tell you how I became the prince of town called Bel Air. Um, wrong story. Well, a year had gone by after graduating from KSU and I was still working at a liquor store. No thanks in part to a worthless degree in Kinesiology. A friend of a friend was working for a nuclear medicine company in Wichita and because I was willing to relocate I was hired to work as a Nuclear Medicine Tech. They needed to fill a position in Carmel, NY and so here I am. We (my wife Alyssa and daughter Lily) live about 50 miles straight north of New York City. We really enjoy the area but because we have a daughter now we’ll be moving back to Wichita in December of this year. The grandmas have pretty much demanded it.

Any good stories from your days at the liquor store?

Not really any good stories. It’s really kind of sad the way alcohol can control some people’s lives. We opened at 10 am and most mornings people were there waiting for us in the parking lot. One guy jogged to the store every morning to buy a pint of vodka. At least he was getting his exercise. One lady had to use one of those electronic voice box things. You know what I’m talking about? Like that guy on South Park, where you have to hold it up to your throat to talk because of a tracheotomy or something and you sound like a robot. I could never understand what she was saying and she always had to point to what she wanted. She kind of freaked me out.

Describe an average workday in horrifically mundane detail.

Yuck. I’m up at 7:10 every morning and at work by 8:00. I live literally right across the street from the hospital so it’s not a long commute at all. For the first hour I’m at work I do all my quality control and make up the doses of radioisotopes I use to image patients hearts. This is pretty monotonous and I dread doing it everyday. By 9:00 my first patient has usually arrived. On average I do about 4-5 tests per day each one lasting from 2-3 hours. The test consists of starting an I.V. in the patient's arm and injecting them with 8-10 mCi of Tc99m. I then image their heart at rest on a gamma camera. The next step is to stress the patient's heart either on a treadmill, or for those who can’t walk, with a chemical stressor. While at their peak heart rate I inject another 30-35 mCi of Tc99m and then we image them again. This gives the cardiologist a before stress and an after stress image of the patients heart and the perfusion or blood flow through the coronary arteries. Since a majority of cardiac problems reveal themselves during stress we can determine fairly accurately if a patient needs to have a more invasive procedure to fix anything before they have a massive heart attack. I like dealing with the patients and if we catch something that saves someone’s life it makes my job just that much more satisfying. I usually finish the day up by 4:00. Oh and drug reps bring us lunch at least a couple times a week so that’s another bonus.

You roomed with Carroll classmates Brad A. AND Mike S., in one small, two-person dorm room, during your Freshman year at KSU. I can't think of the words to describe such an experience - can you?

Well, it all started off okay but it all went down hill after that. Actually Mike didn't get along with his hillbilly roommate Slim so he started hanging out in our room and before you know it he’s moved all his shit into our room. Mike's one of my good friends so no big deal. Really we were just on different schedules. I almost missed and then ultimately failed a psychology test because I was up all night drinking with those guys. Needless to say, academically I had a bad freshman year of college.

Phil, Pat's crack, and myself enjoy ourselves in sunny Mexico.
Pat remained drunk for the rest of 1997.

Phil has claimed (on this very website) to be "directly responsible" for introducing you to your wife. He claims to have said, "Hey you're both tall...can't you make this work?" Can you verify his claim, or did things happen differently?

I can’t remember if those were his exact words or not but yes he did introduce me to my wife. I believe his now wife Casey told Alyssa there was someone she should meet and Phil did the actual act of introducing the two of us. Thanks Phil.

As someone who had a really nice, really fun wedding reception, what tips do you have for an equally successful 10-year reunion?

Well my in-laws only wanted to have one keg of beer. My dad was having none of that noise and paid for the other three. I think that’s the key, plenty of beer. Oh and good company is crucial as well.

Your reception was definitely the first time I'd seen a guest (Mike S) show up in a cab... a cab that someone else had to pay the fare for...

Who paid for it? Shawn? I think everyone was surprised that Mike was able to make it but I’m glad he did. He lives in Hawaii now so I haven’t seen him in probably 4 years. I think he’s still alive. Actually I think he’s working with Criss Angel to make Diamond Head disappear. Mindfreak!

Myself and some others were happy to purchase a professional mixer for your wedding. What was the last food that was prepared with that mixer?

Lis had made all kinds of baked goods with that wonderful mixer. I think I’ve gained probably 15 lbs since getting married partially due to that mixer. Lis is a great cook and that mixer has been used plenty. I was the one who requested it when we registered and it was the only thing I really wanted. You guys did a great job of picking it out.

For the record, how tall are you, and how tall is your wife? What is your wife doing these days?

For the record, Dan, I’m 6’5”, I may have grown a little since high school, I’m not sure. No I didn’t play basketball in high school so don’t ask. It’s not a touchy subject but I get asked at least twice a week. Lis is 5’11” and Lily, who is 7 months old is already 3 ft tall…no not really.

Tell me about your daughter - specifically, how she was created, and what she's going to look like when she's 18.

As you may or may not remember from biology class the “zygote” or fertilized egg moves to the uterus via the fallopian tubes where it implants itself in the uterine wall. There the baby develops over the next 40 weeks or so until the baby is delivered. I just copied all of that off some web site so I hope it’s accurate.

Unless things change Lily will probably have blond hair and blue eyes and will hopefully NOT be a member of the Hitler Youth. (Get it? She looks like an Aryan.)

As a red-blooded male, does it freak you out to be a daughter's father? I mean, by the time she's ready to date, girls will probably be wearing bikinis to school and have "SLUT" tattooed on their lower backs...

Very much so. While Lis was pregnant I wanted a boy just for that reason. However, now I wouldn’t have it any other way. She’s such a great baby and she’s smart so hopefully she’ll stay out of any trouble. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. Maybe we’ll look into home schooling.

What have you been reading?

Lately it’s been books by James Michener, I like the historical fiction genre and he was pretty much the king of it. Right now I’m reading The Source. Next maybe The Drifters, I heard it’s good. I have plenty of books waiting in the wings.

What is your favorite word?

Redunkulous- I believe Stuart Scott from ESPN coined this term. I try to use it as often as possible.

What is your favorite curse word?

I evidently say ‘fuck’ a lot, usually after I see the score of the Chiefs or Notre Dame football games.

Hmm. Four kegs at the wedding, you cheer for Notre Dame... on a scale of 1 to 10, Pat, exactly how Irish are you?

My grandfather was 100% Irish and he always watched Notre Dame Football when I was growing up so that kind of rubbed off on me. The last name is actually an adopted name as my dad was adopted by his step-father. My mom’s side is 50% Irish and 50% German. I would estimate that makes me like 25% Irish, maybe more since I don’t know much about my dad’s lineage, so maybe a 3/10? I like to think I’m more like 7/10 though.

What sound or noise do you love?

My daughter’s laugh.

[Editor's note: this will be the first and only time "My child's laugh" is accepted as an answer to this question, lest all parents feel obligated to say it. From here on out, we're going to assume all mothers and fathers love their child's laugh most of all, and we'll be excited to see what their second-favorite sound/noise might be.]

What was your favorite class at BC?

Mr. Finkeldei’s History class. I think it was Junior year? All my friends were in the class and Mr. Finkeldei’s laid back attitude was a nice break from the slave drivers like, say, Mr. Keiser, man that guy was weird. I think he was plotting world domination during his planning hour.

Is there anything you would have done differently in your time at BC?

I would have played basketball. I don’t know if I would have made the team but I would have at least tried out.