Better Know A Classmate: Robert

Robert is the latest classmate to subject himself to the interview process. You might remember him from his standout role as would-be rapist Judd in the spring musical "Oklahoma!". Or, you know, from walking around the halls and attending classes and whatnot. He was the one with the glasses.

I can't really think of a pun, so let's begin:

Prior to the interview, you sent me a photo of our performance in "The Night of January 16th", a courtroom play in which you played the prosecuting attorney, and I played the defense attorney. My first impression - I'm blown away by the good work of our Tech Theatre crew. You really feel like you're in a real New York courtroom. Also, I believe this photo marks the last time I wore a suit. What are your thoughts?


I'd say that play was still in the first acts of a lifelong love affair with suits. I don't care if it's a funeral, a wedding, trial or play, I do love me some suits. Never been in a real New York courtroom though, so I'll take your word for it.

That play was unique in that a jury was assembled from the audience, and they were asked to rule "guilty" or "not guilty" at the end of the play, based on the facts the actors presented. As you will recall, my defense team lost every single night. To what do you attribute your courtroom dominance?

I was a populist. I knew how to talk to the workaday Kansan and make them dance just how I liked. I have since lost that ability, however.

Also, I believe my mom was in the jury one night, but if I recollect accurately, she voted for you. Unlike the rest of the juries, she based her ruling on the facts, rather than how likeable the attorneys were. Even still, I think she did have something of a maternal feeling for you, Dan. Not everyone knows about the red door church.

Please describe an average workday in horrifically mundane detail.

Pass.

In your youth, you and a friend were obsessed with building a Hoverboard, a levitating device popularized in the classic sequel "Back to the Future, Part II". Have you made any progress?

Well, actually, that wasn't my friend; it was my older brother. For our entire lives, he's been using me as a tool monkey for lunatic projects that ultimately come to little. Unfortunately, so did this one. To make a long story short, despite all our efforts at making the six-foot plywood disk, sewing the shower curtain to make the necessary skirt (for the hovercraft, not me - that's another story), we were stymied by a woefully inadequate vacuum cleaner motor. On the upside, I'm pretty sure all that shit is still sitting in my parents garage, just waiting for me to get a better vacuum cleaner motor.

Then we'll see what's what.

I gather that you are married. What's that all about?

It's good to be married. Tells the boss that you're reliable, that at least one person can put up with you. Tells the girls that you've got some money and that your equipment works.

Oh - and she's my dream girl.

I remember listening to some Nine Inch Nails with you back in the day. I also seem to recall you kneeing someone in the chest while in the midst of a Kansas Coliseum mosh pit. In your opinion, what was the defining album of your high school years? Do you still listen to that album?

Pearl Jam: Ten. Every album they have released since then has sucked to a greater degree , but that one's pure gold. What can better encapsulate angst than Eddie Vedder screaming nearly incoherently. I don't listen to that album regularly anymore, but it comes out when I need it. When I start taking myself too seriously, or some circumstance is beating on me and won't let up, there's nothing better in life than to turn on the radio and hear one of those songs that I listened to on a nearly daily basis when I was 17 and haven't since; without any other baggage attached to it, all it takes is one song to pare things back to getting out on a half day and driving to Bionic Burger to piss away the rest of the afternoon with my friends because we had nothing else to do. Good times.

What sound or noise do you love?

Roar of the ocean. It's implacable and everything else has to just shut up for it.

What is your favorite word?

Diaspora.

What is your favorite curse word?

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuckity-ding-dong-crap. I actually wrote a short story and submitted it to Newman University's literary magazine, entirely for the purpose of publishing the term "Fuckity-ding-dong-crap." Won second place in their annual contest.

What have you been reading?

Books. Why? What have you been reading?

I've also been reading books. Books and short stories. What was your favorite class at BC? Why?

Junior English. I got to beat up on people in front of a Jury again. I think it was Nathan V., although if I'd have known he'd get some tropical disease ten years down the road, I'd have gone easier on him.

Is there anything you would have done differently in your time at BC?

Published more papers.